Illustrative sample — not a real student submission.This essay was authored as an example to show what NAPLAN marking criteria look like in practice. It is intended for educational use only and does not represent any individual student's work.
Year 5 Narrative Sample: The Map in the Wall
Prompt:
Write a story that begins with a character discovering something hidden in an old building.
The Marked Essay
Tap a highlighted phrase — or a criterion below — to see how this sample scored against each of the 10 marking criteria.
The crack in the library wall was exactly the width of a pencil. Priya had noticed it six weeks ago, on the first day of term, when she had pressed her back against the wall to avoid Declan Shaw and his football. She had not thought about it again until the day the pencil rolled in.
She watched her favourite pencil — the blue one with silver writing that said THINK DIFFERENTLY — disappear into the crack. She expected it to clatter down behind the plasterboard. Instead, there was silence. Then, after a long moment, a faint orange glow.
Priya pressed her eye to the crack. What she saw made her stomach drop. On the other side of the wall was a room that had no business being there. It was the size of a wardrobe, lit by a single candle stub, and every centimetre of its four walls was covered in a map. Not a printed map. A hand-drawn map in seven colours of ink, with tiny words written along the rivers and mountain ranges.
She pushed gently on the wall. A section swung open on a concealed hinge. Priya stepped through, and the smell hit her first — old paper, beeswax, and something faintly metallic. She stepped closer to the map and squinted at the script. The words were in English, but the places were not. "The Drowned Kingdoms of Solath." "The Seven Spires." "Here the compass fails."
"I thought you might find it eventually," said a voice behind her.
Priya spun around. The school librarian, Mrs Okafor, stood in the opening, holding the blue pencil. She was smiling, but it was not the smile Priya was used to. This one was older, and wider, and knew far too many secrets.
"What is this place?" Priya asked. "A beginning," said Mrs Okafor. "If you want it to be."
Audience
The writer maintains strong reader engagement through mystery and specificity. The open ending is well-calibrated for an audience who enjoys imaginative fiction. A 6 would require an even more consistent sense of the reader's experience throughout — some of the descriptive passages in para 3 are slightly expository.
Text structure
Clear orientation, escalating complication, and an open-ended conclusion. The seven-paragraph structure is controlled. A 6 would require a more developed internal complication.
Ideas
Original premise developed with consistent specificity. The map details (seven colours, hand-drawn, impossible place names) are inventive. A 6 would require a more developed sense of the wider stakes or a more fully resolved narrative event.
Character & setting
Priya is distinct (uses her pencil as self-expression, avoids Declan, notices the crack). Mrs Okafor is introduced with excellent economy in a single sentence. Setting is richly sensory. A 6 would require more interiority for Priya or a more fully realised sense of Mrs Okafor.
Vocabulary
Strong throughout: "concealed hinge", "faintly metallic", "beeswax", "escalating", "evocative" (implied), "colloquial" (implied). The specific brand-style detail ("THINK DIFFERENTLY") and the place names show real vocabulary creativity. No weak generic words.
Cohesion
Cohesion maintained across seven paragraphs. The pencil is a through-line object that connects opening and close. Consistent past tense, clear pronoun reference, and well-managed scene shifts.
Paragraphing
Seven paragraphs, each with a clear function. The single-sentence paragraphs (paras 5, 7) are used purposefully for impact. Length variation is controlled.
Sentence structure
Good range: long descriptive sentences with embedded lists, short tension-building sentences, dialogue. The comma-separated tricolon in para 6 is a highlight. A 6 would require more sustained complexity in every paragraph.
Punctuation
Accurate throughout: dash for appositional phrase, em-dash-equivalent comma constructions, dialogue punctuated correctly. One or two opportunities for more purposeful punctuation were missed.
Spelling
No errors including "concealed", "plasterboard", "centimetre", "beeswax", "metallic". Full marks.
Scores are for this illustrative sample only — not a real student result.
Overall Performance Note
This illustrative Year 5 response is a strong upper-band narrative essay. The characterisation is clear, the setting is imaginative and specific, and the language conventions are near the top of the Year 5 band. The open ending is a deliberate choice that works well for this genre.
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